Sep 25
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I think I might be depressed. I have a lot of those stupid little symptoms. Lack of interest, sleeping too much or not enough (it fluctuates) eating too much or not enough (fluctuates) irritability, mood swings and all of that stuff. And it’s not like “that time of the month” stuff either… It’s been like this for the last month or so. Plus, my apathetic moods are becoming far more frequent and playing the guitar isn’t clearing them up anymore. Neither is drawing or writing. They stick with me for a whole day sometimes. They used to be like that, lasting for days. For a long time now, I’ve been really happy, feeling good. Lots of friends, talking with them, I was doing GREAT! But I’m falling back into that depressive state, and it’s getting to me. It’s an endless cycle, I’m getting depressed because I’m depressed. I’ve never been clinically diagnosed but…I think I might be depressed. For real.
A while ago, mom said I might need anti-anxiety medicine - I get anxious so easily. I start shaking around when I ‘m in the food court at the mall. She also thinks I need to pay more attention. It’s funny, it’s not that I’m spacing out…it’s that I’m listening to other people talk, it’s kind of rude I guess, but as a writer, it’s one of those things you have to do. Especially when you don’t have a lot of friends “IRL” I don’t hang out with people outside of the internet. I’m practically married to Athena (my computer). See what I mean? It’s got a NAME. Sad, right? Well, it’s just one of those things I guess. I want to tell mom that I want to see a therapist but… I don’t know, sometimes it feels like mom doesn’t think anyone but her needs to see one. And it sounds mean for me to say that about my own mother, but it’s how it feels. It’s like…I feel like she doesn’t care. I know she does, but…I’m just being an angsty teenager again :x
I apologize for all of this bullshit…
Jun 25
It’s fucking HOT OUT DX and humidity. Damn humidity. Dad has to fix the AC and even THEN he doesn’t want to turn it on because of the bills D| Freakin’ energy bills being so high. -huff-
Apparently, I could blame it all on the same stuff everyone else does blah blah blah..I will ignore whose fault this discomfort is and instead..take it out on my blog readers :,D I’m just kidding, of course. Not like I have any readers XD
Umm…Well, other than the ungodly humidity, I’m starting on that “100 pictures” challenge that’s running around on DA but yeah. I think maybe it’ll get me to start drawing again because I haven’t been drawing anywhere but on my Tegaki lately…
I’m also addicted to Kairion (KairixZexion) now, so Zemyx= not my OTP (XP that phase ended quickly.) I’m becoming very grateful for my friends, I’ve realized that without them, I’m practically doomed…They really REALLY mean a lot to me (they know who they are if they’re reading this D: )
Umm….I’ve been avoiding people lately, it’s not something I’m proud of. And I was sleeping all day but now I’ve gotten onto a “normal” schedule..Fell asleep at 10 last night…DX I wanted to force myself to stay up a little later, but I was falling asleep at my keyboard. I’ll have to stay up a LITTLE later tonight as I ended up missing out on a bunch of stuff that happened with my buds and my online family D: which is no good. No good at all.
I need to go clothes shopping soon. I need tank tops and new jeans. And a JOB. Of course, mom doesn’t have my birth certificate or my social security junk on hand. Meaning: no job for me until we get these things… Also, I’m supposed to “catch up” with my math before I get a job. Okay, so I’m behind…A lot behind because I don’t actually do my studying like I’m supposed to…so I’m gonna have to do school through the summer. ALL summer…Gotta “catch up” Mostly so I can save up for Acen next year. I really REALLY want to go and if I don’t have my cosplay together, it’s just gonna be a real bummer to me (not like going even OUT of cosplay wouldn’t be a total blast it’s just I have it all planned and stuff…) umm..I need to get the house clean and I’ve been slacking off on that because I just haven’t felt like it. Mostly, I need to get the basement clean (as that’s the task I’ve taken on)…I need to clean out the laundry room as I haven’t done it since it flooded and…well, floods+old clothes+humid, dark basement+mold spores= mold. So, that needs to be cleaned up, I need to get supplies before I can tackle that though…But the rest of the basement I think I can handle…I just need to get a lamp down there.
And I need to find a way to buy furniture too. I want it to look great for when Memi comes out from Cali…That’s something that’s gonna be a TOTAL blast. But again, I need to get the house cleaned. I get the feeling that no one will help though..It’ll be a miracle if I actually get anything done…So, I’m gonna have to work really hard for a miracle because no one in hell am I letting the house stay dirty. I need to find a cure for laziness. A GOOD cure for it. And a new stereo because my old one is busted and I need music to clean =x
Ah, I haven’t been getting work done on my comics lately, and there’s a good reason for that (which I think I mentioned in earlier posts) Well, my lamp is broken and for awhile I was using my sister’s desk. But we took in some stray kittens and now the litter box is in there and they run around and piss under dressers and stuff so it smells like ammonia and…I CAN’T STAND ammonia…Makes me feel like throwing up and it gives me a killer headache. So I can’t get any work done right now… it SUCKS REALLY BAD.
I need to get over the “social phobia” I have…I think that’s what you’d call it - not like I’ve been diagnosed with anything as I only saw a conselor once in my life and it was for a problem that I’ve mostly come to terms with - it doesn’t effect me TOO seriously anymore…Anyway, yeah, I need to get over my fear of talking to new people and being around lots of people and being approached by– I think I have a fear of people in general… It’s bad, I know, and it’s kinda silly as I’m always complaining about wanting a boyfriend and all of that stupid stuff… You know, the dumb teenage girl kind of stuff.
I guess though, I’m going to be off the dating scene for a while yet…I almost started dating and..it’s not like the guy’s turned out to be an asshole, well, maybe he kinda has. He wasn’t my type and he just can’t take the hint that I want to be JUST FRIENDS. Fuck, I’m past that. I don’t ever want to see the guy again. I’m avoiding going downtown (DA friends have heard this whole rant already so if you’ve already read this, skip down.) and I don’t even want to leave the house. I’m not going to go so far as to call him a stalker, but it kind of feels like that whenever I see him. It’s like, whenever we run into each other I get this SUPER nervous and sick feeling…A lot of people might think it;s “Oh, you like him” nervous…NO it’s NOT. I would KNOW that kind of feeling, it’s different. The feeling I get from this guy is totally skeeved out. There’s something untrustworthy about him.
I haven’t said this in my DA journals as I don’t want to freak out my friends (I’ll tell them eventually) but…I found out he’s been in and out of Juvie several times..IN fact the reason he never called me after we first met was because he got in a fight and got chucked back in… He says it was because he was defending a friend but… I don’t know. I’m going to trust my instincts and say he was lying. Because that’s what my gut tells me. It also tells me to stay away from this guy. But it’s hard to completely avoid meeting him and still have a life outside of my house - which I DO want. I like to go downtown, to the library and the mall and through the shopping district. It’s nice and I get a chance to do my life drawing studies…But it’s such a small town and I only ever go places with my two sisters and apparently, we’re noticeable if you know us because we’re the only three girls who hang out like that. So whenever I’m out, he notices us and comes over to talk…
Tina (my sister) even TOLD him I didn’t want to be his girlfriend and I wanted to “just be friends” (this was BEFORE I decided: I NEVER WANNA SEE HIM AGAIN D: ) and she says he said “I don’t know if I can be just friends with her” that could be taken in more than one way I guess but…. And I DID tell him that myself too and he says that he thinks I’m just scared to have a boyfriend, or scared of intimacy. But… Eh, it felt like he was kinda pressuring me in a way, is it stupid of me to feel like that?
Dad says to listen to my gut, and mom says that what he said sounds kind of shady and yeah, a bit manipulative. The thing is, I want to tell him off, tell me to leave me alone that I don’t want to talk to him anymore but…I don’t want to hurt this guy’s feelings. And I know, my feelings and my need to feel safe should FAR outweigh his feelings (or I would think so) because there’s that whole “if he makes you feel like your not safe, kick him to the curb” thing but… I’m just so concentrated on making everyone around me happy and trying to please people and be approved that it’s keeping me from doing what I know I have to do in this situation. I need to just build up the courage and end it.
What’s REALLY funny is that we’re not even dating or anything. I’m still technically single, never been on a date with this guy (or I wouldn’t call when we hung out when we first met a date). So it’s not like I have any sort of obligation to him. I wish God would just give me the strength and the courage to put myself first in this situation and tell this guy off…But I’m out of luck so far.
I guess I just have to keep trying to build up the courage and until then…I’ll be staying in the house :x
Jun 15
I have one now! XD Apparently, like EVERYONE is doing it now and..I’m usually left out of the fads so I figured: “HEY! Here’s something that hasn’t totally died out yet that I can do too =D!” and so here I am…
My Tegaki-E
Neh….Lately I dunno. I just feel utterly uninspired XP. I’m trying to get work done on Sword of Heaven…buuut, things aren’t going quite as planned. I’ve been messing up on the pages and in general, I feel pretty useless ^^: But doodling and playing the guitar completely relieves my stress.
Speaking of my guitar - I’m getting (or I think I’m getting) a lot better! Apparently, MOM is jealous. And mom well..She’s never been jealous of me in the musical field (the woman has a 2 1/2 octave range D|)
Oh and Zemyx=OTP kthnxbai~
Jun 14
No, I’m fine. It’s just the more I look at the news, the more I look at what’s going on in politics I can’t help but to think that things are going downhill. It seems like the country is headed for a dark time. I’m not a pessimistic person (or rather I try not to be) but I can’t help myself with this.
Now, I really can’t say I’ve completely developed my opinion of the Presidential candidates, but all parties involved give me a funny feeling. Obama in particular. Something just doesn’t sit right with me about that man. Now, my opinion could be (or is most likely) influenced by my mother. But then again, I trust and respect her opinion. She’s never really been wrong about this kind of thing that I can remember. I dislike this kind of stuff - Politics, all this talk of racism, war it all gives me a bad feeling in my chest that I can’t ignore. I wish I could just completely avoid these things but given that it’s an election year, it’s pretty much impossible. I suppose that the only thing I can do is hope that everything works out, seeing as I’m not eighteen yet and I can’t really influence it at all.
Jeez, I just don’t know anymore.
In my life though, I’d have to say things are going really REALLY well. I’ve stopped dragging my feet on drawing chapter two of Sword of Heaven (although I need to do work on Devil’s Advocate still) - There’s only 5 pages left to be drawn and seven to be scanned, lettered and toned. All in all, I’m getting the chapter finished up (Hooray!). That leaves me with a lot of work ahead of me still, I haven’t finished scripting chapter three yet, and I can’t start on the thumbnails until then, so it’s gonna be a while before I start work on the actual pages. But, it’s content before art so I really shouldn’t be complaining!
My cosplay stuff has taken an interesting (and altogether very wonderful turn) in the way that I’m now part of a “group” (really, they’re more like my online family XD) and there’s some talk (or planning) to go to ACEN next year! This means I have to get a job so I can save up but I’m really REALLY looking forward to it. It’d be my first con though XD I’m gonna be soooooo nervous!
I’m having a really blast learning to play the guitar better! I know a little bit yeah, and I’m still doing the whole “self-teaching” thing - I don’t know if I’d want to take lessons or not…I’d really like to improve though, it’s just such a huge thing to me and I’d really like to be the best I can at it.
Recently, however, I came to the conclusion that maybe I’m not cut out for being a serious “singer” because, let’s face it, I don’t have a very broad range and I have some issues keeping in key - it’s probably something I could fix with voice lessons but I don’t know if I’d be able to do something like that. But hey, not all the great musicians were great with vocals and there are people who can barely sing at all who are successful in the music industry so, I could make it XD My song writing has gotten a lot better as of late and I attribute that to the continued support and encouragement of my friends and family. I don’t have very much faith in myself and I tend to seriously doubt my “talents” and having them back me up really helps me out. I love them all SOOOOOO very much.
To me, this is getting a little long, so I’m gonna cut out for now.
May 25
Wow, it’s been awhile since I posted anything on my blog ^^; Well, I suppose that now is as good a time as any huh?
Well, in the last couple of months I’ve started a new project, a manga called “Devil’s Advocate”; basically, this is a more gritty kind of manga than Sword of Heaven. I’m really excited about working on it. Most of it’s to be posted at here
There’s been a lot going on lately actually– but things are going good! That’s a real relief.
That big thing with my character, Cerix seems to have cleared up, I’m not longer being accused of stealing a character (which is, of course a good thing.) I’ve also started a writing project “Sympathy for Sable”. I’m really enjoying just sitting down and writing, it’s been a really really long time since I did it and I think it’s refreshing. Of course, I’m still drawing art for the characters of SfS because I’m an artist and the moment a character becomes solid in my mind, I have to draw them. It’s a funny thing, usually, when a character pops into my head they come in almost complete–not their past but their appearance, personality and clothing style. I’ve read that for the most part you’re supposed to experiment with characters until you get them to “feel right”. Hnn.
I’m working really hard on Sword of Heaven again and working decently hard on Devil’s Advocate. I’m really excited to get more of them done because the two series have some tie-ins and I’d really like to illustrate those things XD. I’m having some trouble with feeling accomplished lately, however. I’m feeling less like I can draw than I used to. I think the problem might be that I really don’t have any talent for stand-alone art– I’m really more of a sequential artist and seeing so many artists who can draw stand-alone art easily (mostly on deviantArt.com) I suppose I feel incompetent because I can’t do the same. But I think after some more life drawing I should be able to do so.
I’ve been experimenting with my tone work too, the newest pages of SOH are looking really good and most of chapter two can be found here.
Lately, my sisters, my best friend and I have been planning to do some cosplay! I’ll be cosplaying as Zexion, I’m really stoked too! Of course, there’s still A LOT of things I need for my cosplay– coat, boots, Lexicon…The only thing I’ve really got already is the hair, I do have to find dye but I chopped it off for the most part it actually looks good on me..But my sister says that if I don’t let it cover one side of my face, I look like a Kate XD. It’s a funny thing to think that you might LOOK like you should have a certain name.
Recently, I found out that there’s a mother cat and a pair of kittens living in my garage– they’re adorable. We’ve named them, the mother’s name is Olive and the kittens (a boy and a girl) are named Hobbes and Beatrice. It makes me really sad that we’re just their foster family and we’ll be giving them away once the kittens have grown up. I really missed having little kittens around….
I need to get a job XD. I’ve been dying for some Prismacolor markers ever since I bought a Peach colored one I’ve been addicted to them and I can’t afford the full set ^^; …Mom says if I do well in my studies for six months (or she was saying this, I don’t know if she’s still going through with it.) that she’d buy me the 48 marker set. I really hope so ^^ The Prismacolors are SO awesome. My G-pen split recently and when I bought my new nibs, I put one in and it fell into my ink! I don’t know how the heck it happened–it was the right nib for the holder and everything -sigh-. I’m so pissed off about it still. I guess it’s not so bad though, I really prefer my round pen.
Still trying to get stuff done around the house– I’ve been putting off cleaning the basement like I promised myself I would and I’m really overdue for spring cleaning Dx I’m really not looking forward to it. But what has to be done has to be done XD wish me luck, there’s a hell of a lot of spiders down there and I need to clear them out, clean the basement and furnish it before August. Not to mention I have to help get the rest of the house in order. It’s gonna be a lot of work but I’m certain it’ll be worth it in the end.
Lots of love,
Anna.
Mar 22
<3 Having a great day today, got lots done, recorded a few songs including “Never Enough” which you can listen to here
I also got a pair of sculptures done lately, one of them is of Xigbar from Kingdom Hearts:
Haha, the scan totaly ruins the look, you can’t see his ponytail ^^The other sculpture is of Zexion (also from Kingdom Hearts) and I’ve been considering selling sculptures like these ones… Oh but ask to buy the Xigbar or Zexion sculpture, they are both gifts one (the Xigbar) is a gift for my best friend and the other (who isn’t done drying just yet) is a gift to myself ^^
Well as a solution to that stupid roleplaying chara fiasco I have decided that I will only be posting drawings of my beloved chara Cerix, on this blog…It’s regrettable that I can no longer post him on DA but I don’t want to create anymore trouble over a stupid coincidence like that….
Work on Sword of Heaven is going….What other word is there for it but slowly. Very slowly. I’ve really been dragging my feet on chapter two, well that isn’t entirely true…At first I was getting work done at a great pace, pages laid out, sketched and inked every day. But after getting around 20 pages in, I’ve started to drag my feet a little bit and haven’t gotten any work done in several days (in actuality, it’s really more like a week and a half) I have a page sitting on my desk about half inked to be honest. My editor isn’t very happy with my right now, but since I’m self-published I really don’t have to worry about getting fired, but having a stubborn younger sister be mad at you all the time is mentally very taxing and quite stressful…
I think I need to take a vacation from drawing. Hopefully, the Easter trip to my uncle’s will be what I need to get me back on my feet and back to work…We’ll see….
Mar 19
Aww jeez do I feel stupid today! Haha, OC’s are such a problem sometimes. People don’t like it when they think you ripped them off and I don’t blame them, being ripped off sucks. But being accused of being an art thief isn’t fun. And being expected to do thorough research to make sure that a character isn’t anything like anyone else’s before drawing and posting the OC is ridiculous.
At first, I was happy when they sent me a letter back saying that it was okay, but after re-reading it a few times, the letter was kinda snarky and rude. It is pretty ridiculous right? In anime and manga, I’m sure there are a number of characters who have similar personalities, abilities and weapons correct? And I’m sure that some of them even look alike. And it’s not even like I’m using this character for personal profit or anything, they’re a roleplaying character based in the Kingdom Hearts universe, made for roleplaying with my best friend. It’s rather ridiculous.
If I had “ripped off” their character for an original manga or something it would be an entirely different story! But they’re being snarky of a roleplaying character….Aww jeez, I was sniveling at their feet earlier. I feel like a moron….
Oh yeah this is a great first entry for a blog huh?
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