Ink!Blots & Pen!Swipes

I hate..everything.

Zeku (Anna) — Sat, 28 Mar 2009 08:56:44 +0000

I hate everything & everyone but most of all myself. I hate my stupidity and my stubborn rigidity. I hate my dependence and my unpreparedness to grow up. I hate my immaturity. I hate everything about myself. Ugh, I just feel like ripping my skin off (don’t worry. I won’t. That would hurt too much.) I also have felt like throwing up for the last 12 hours or so…I haven’t though. I wish I would, I would feel better then…I think. My chest hurts too - I can’t stop crying so my eyes are all swollen and puffy & my head is super stuffed up…I feel terrible, but I brought it upon myself. I should be trying, y’know? So I can repair the friendship but…nothing has changed XD; I still feel no motivation to do anything…in fact, the only thing I have motivation to do is write and smack my head against the wall for being so stupid. This is pathetic. I shouldn’t feel like THIS…it’s only been 24-hours (well, about) but I’m freaking out…

How pathetic and sad. I don’t wanna lose you, but I can’t get myself to do anything to keep you. I’m nothing. I’m not worth anything, am I? Everyone should just disassociate themselves with me so I’ll sink into a deep enough depression that I’ll finally just off myself… It’d be better for everyone.

You know what’s so funny? I keep sabotaging myself and my friendships.

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I’m an idiot.

Zeku (Anna) — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 20:15:48 +0000

I’m a HUGE idiot. God. I’ve kept making stupid stupid mistakes and I’ve ended up pushing away all the people I care about. And I deserve it. If I would have realized that I was becoming this stupid fucking bitch I could have stopped it. If I wouldn’t have been such a stubborn fuck, I could have stopped it. But no. And now I’m sitting here feeling sorry for myself. I lost my best friend because of my idiocy and my laziness and it hurts. A lot. I knew something would happen in the end. I knew it. If I wouldn’t have kept thinking “Everyone I care about ends up leaving me” it might not have happened.

Now the only plans I had for myself are in shambles and I don’t have a reason to try anymore.

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6 Billion

Zeku (Anna) — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 11:19:02 +0000

6 Billion people in the world.
6 Billion people who hate and feel anger; who love and feel joy; who cry and feel sorrow.
6 Billion people; and I chose to hate the one person on earth I need to learn to love.
6 Billion people and the only person I hate in it is myself.

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Breakdown & Purge

Zeku (Anna) — Sun, 15 Feb 2009 16:14:05 +0000

Shit man. I’m stressed. I cut off alot of my hair. It’s uneven, but it looks good. I like it. My mom says it makes me look more mature. I agree. I like how long it makes my neck look.

But UGH. All the stress in my life built up last night and I broke. I broke over something really…really stupid. I wanted to get my MP3 player last night, my dad promised we would. It was silly to break over, but it happened anyway. I just…My sister asked me to get off the computer and I really needed my music. I really needed it. But I let her use it anyways (I can’t get my music without the computer; broken stereo, no headphones, no MP3 player, no batteries for my old walkman). And I broke.

I needed my music a lot. It’s something that’s really important to me, listening to music, making music. It makes me feel a lot more complete. And with all the stress in my life right now - my friends fighting, my schoolwork piling up on me, trying to be there for everyone all the time, being unsure about the future; about the future of my country (with Pres. Obama in power and all the deciscions he’s making.), about what I want to do with my life (what career to get, whether to get married someday etc. etc.) I really need something to distract me. Something to help me stop thinking so much. I admit that overthinking things is a big problem for me. I overthink everything. I can’t stop thinking most of the time - and about bad things, for the most part. I tend to think about problems I have or problems I might have. I think about scenarios, trying to talk to people and being turned down; things like that. It’s stupid. But anyway, I keep thinking about those things and that stresses me out too.

I need to find a way to deal with it. What I did last night is not the right way to deal with it.

Here’s what I did:
I got up, I wrote in my journal (not a bad thing), I took a bath (again, not a bad thing) then, I ran upstairs and started ranting to myself, I grabbed a pair of scissors, rushed to the bathroom and started hacking off my hair (not a good thing). I freaked out over it afterward a bit. I started crying and after that, I couldn’t stop crying. I started arguing with my dad, I was yelling at him. I was really mean about it. I ran back upstairs again, crying my fucking eyes out. I started to think about shit I don’t need to think about - self harm, that bullshit, all the while telling myself “Don’t think about that. Don’t, God damn it. You know that’s bad for you.” out loud, while pacing around upstairs, looking for a boxcutter (didn’t find it, thank GOODNESS).

Well, that’s definitely not a way to deal with my stress. Neither is considering stealing my mom’s perscription pills. I didn’t do that either. I know that’s wrong.

After I finished with my ranting and raving to myself, I popped onto the spare computer after everyone went to sleep and started chatting with friends, turned on some music and started singing along… I paused the music once or twice, said a prayer or two. And I felt a lot better. By about 7 AM (I started feeling like this at about..1, maybe 2 AM) I was pretty much blissful, singing Hey Jude, doing all the little vocalizations in it and everything and having trouble not laughing. It was great.

-sigh- I know what part of my problem is. I’m taking on all my friends’ problems - I’ve been there to help everyone, all the time. I’m always listening to what other people are going through, trying to help them. Kind of like I’m trying to save everyone, in a way? I keep trying to help people but I don’t look at what’s wrong with me. It’s making me feel like “I’m always there for everyone else but no one is there for ME!” It’s the dumb old teenager’s cliche, feeling like no one cares or no one understands but it’s the feeling I’m having lately.

Another part of it is like someone tore holes in me - in my heart, in my soul and then they tried to patch it back together with staples. Really, that’s just a metaphor for how I’ve been hurt in the past and I don’t think i’ve ever dealt with what’s REALLY making me feel so alone; I’ve just tried to fill up the holes with people with as many problems as I have (not saying I don’t love my friends. I love them more than ANYTHING.) and it’s not fixing the problem.

For awhile? It worked wonders. I felt so much better - I felt like I wasn’t alone anymore and now that high and euphoria is wearing away. I feel like the same old lonely girl I always was.

Additionally, I think I need to get out of the house. I plan to this afternoon. I want to do something. I just want to go outside, I will.

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Wrong.

Zeku (Anna) — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 12:28:32 +0000

TL;DR ranting. Sorry for this. I need to destress (although writing this will increase my stress while I’m writing it, I will feel better later)

Gay jokes bother me. A lot. I’m not gay but they happen to really hurt my feelings. I don’t like it when other people make fun of someone because of things they can’t help, like who they fall in love with/are attracted to. Love is love and it’s a wonderful thing and a lot of people never find someone they care about and the people who do shouldn’t be made fun of or mistreated (or treated differently in any way) just because of who they happen to fall in love with. I don’t think that God would want that because I think God wants us all to find someone we love. Love is the greatest gift God gave us here on earth, isn’t it? (Not getting into eternal salvation because I’m not sure if I believe in that. It’s a moot point because that’s not on earth, any way)

I love my friend, I really do. But I can’t handle the fact that she hates everyone who’s gay because of what one person did. It’s not the fault of everyone. Just that one person who happened to be a fucking jerk. I understand that it’s easy to hate everyone of a given…erm..I guess sexuality? Well, it applies to ethnicities too. Because of what ONE person did.

I could hate all hispanic people because one hispanic boy sexually assaulted my mother. I could hate all hispanic people because the same happened to me (different kid) I could hate all men because of that, but I don’t. I don’t understand why hatred is such a big thing with some people. I don’t understand how someone can be blinded like that. I don’t understand at all.

How can you judge all people by one person’s actions? For that matter, how can you hate any group of people for anything? How do people hate gays just because of the fact that they’re attracted to the same sex? How can people hate blacks JUST BECAUSE they’re black? How can someone hate all Conservatives just because they’re conservative or hate all liberals just because they’re liberal? I…I don’t get it!

I don’t understand it at all. It drives me insane. I don’t know what to do about it because I can’t avoid hatred, even though it tears holes in my heart because it’s everywhere and in everyone.

I can’t leave my friend because I promised her I would never leave her alone, ever. That I’d always be there for her when she needs me. Even though her continued hate and continued joking bothers me. Fuck, she doesn’t even give me the same consideration that I try to give her. I keep getting hurt again and again and I can’t make it stop.

Am I just pathetic like this? I know why I’m like this. I spent such a long time without friends and such a long time feeling utterly alone that now I cling onto whatever friends I have, even if they’re not good friends. I hate making anyone upset and I keep sacrificing my own feelings for others, I keep breaking and chipping away at myself for everyone else. And what have I gained for this?

Pain. Pain and suffering.

I just want it all to stop. It makes me wish I never made any friends at all. God, it hurts so much less to be lonely than to have feelings hurt by someone you care about…It would have been better if I never met any of my friends…

No. No it wouldn’t because I’ve helped them. I’ve got friends who’ve told me that I’ve helped them be less depressed, made them feel better about themselves. I’ve gotten them through hardtimes. And that’s worth something, right?

And I know that most of them would stick by me if I was having trouble but right now, when my emotions are causing me a lot of pain, when I feel like sitting in a bathtub full of water and knocking a toaster into it, I feel alone. Not because no one is there for me, but because I can’t tell them that I’m hurting because I don’t want them to worry.

God, these are the people that keep me from thinking about offing myself. The people who, everytime the thought even enters my head keep me from thinking more about it. The people who I’m scared might hurt themselves if I was gone. I feel such a huge weight on my shoulders all the time now. I can’t escape because people depend on me now. They need me, maybe even more than I need them.

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e_e

Zeku (Anna) — Sun, 08 Feb 2009 08:38:35 +0000

…ugh. my friend won’t leave me alone about my favorite Kingdom Hearts pairing and it’s getting on my nerves. Okay, I get it that she hates ZexKai but that doesn’t mean she can bitch at me for drawing it.

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