I hate everything & everyone but most of all myself. I hate my stupidity and my stubborn rigidity. I hate my dependence and my unpreparedness to grow up. I hate my immaturity. I hate everything about myself. Ugh, I just feel like ripping my skin off (don’t worry. I won’t. That would hurt too much.) I also have felt like throwing up for the last 12 hours or so…I haven’t though. I wish I would, I would feel better then…I think. My chest hurts too - I can’t stop crying so my eyes are all swollen and puffy & my head is super stuffed up…I feel terrible, but I brought it upon myself. I should be trying, y’know? So I can repair the friendship but…nothing has changed XD; I still feel no motivation to do anything…in fact, the only thing I have motivation to do is write and smack my head against the wall for being so stupid. This is pathetic. I shouldn’t feel like THIS…it’s only been 24-hours (well, about) but I’m freaking out…
How pathetic and sad. I don’t wanna lose you, but I can’t get myself to do anything to keep you. I’m nothing. I’m not worth anything, am I? Everyone should just disassociate themselves with me so I’ll sink into a deep enough depression that I’ll finally just off myself… It’d be better for everyone.
You know what’s so funny? I keep sabotaging myself and my friendships.
I’m a HUGE idiot. God. I’ve kept making stupid stupid mistakes and I’ve ended up pushing away all the people I care about. And I deserve it. If I would have realized that I was becoming this stupid fucking bitch I could have stopped it. If I wouldn’t have been such a stubborn fuck, I could have stopped it. But no. And now I’m sitting here feeling sorry for myself. I lost my best friend because of my idiocy and my laziness and it hurts. A lot. I knew something would happen in the end. I knew it. If I wouldn’t have kept thinking “Everyone I care about ends up leaving me” it might not have happened.
Now the only plans I had for myself are in shambles and I don’t have a reason to try anymore.
I think I might be depressed. I have a lot of those stupid little symptoms. Lack of interest, sleeping too much or not enough (it fluctuates) eating too much or not enough (fluctuates) irritability, mood swings and all of that stuff. And it’s not like “that time of the month” stuff either… It’s been like this for the last month or so. Plus, my apathetic moods are becoming far more frequent and playing the guitar isn’t clearing them up anymore. Neither is drawing or writing. They stick with me for a whole day sometimes. They used to be like that, lasting for days. For a long time now, I’ve been really happy, feeling good. Lots of friends, talking with them, I was doing GREAT! But I’m falling back into that depressive state, and it’s getting to me. It’s an endless cycle, I’m getting depressed because I’m depressed. I’ve never been clinically diagnosed but…I think I might be depressed. For real.
A while ago, mom said I might need anti-anxiety medicine - I get anxious so easily. I start shaking around when I ‘m in the food court at the mall. She also thinks I need to pay more attention. It’s funny, it’s not that I’m spacing out…it’s that I’m listening to other people talk, it’s kind of rude I guess, but as a writer, it’s one of those things you have to do. Especially when you don’t have a lot of friends “IRL” I don’t hang out with people outside of the internet. I’m practically married to Athena (my computer). See what I mean? It’s got a NAME. Sad, right? Well, it’s just one of those things I guess. I want to tell mom that I want to see a therapist but… I don’t know, sometimes it feels like mom doesn’t think anyone but her needs to see one. And it sounds mean for me to say that about my own mother, but it’s how it feels. It’s like…I feel like she doesn’t care. I know she does, but…I’m just being an angsty teenager again :x
I have one now! XD Apparently, like EVERYONE is doing it now and..I’m usually left out of the fads so I figured: “HEY! Here’s something that hasn’t totally died out yet that I can do too =D!” and so here I am… My Tegaki-E
Neh….Lately I dunno. I just feel utterly uninspired XP. I’m trying to get work done on Sword of Heaven…buuut, things aren’t going quite as planned. I’ve been messing up on the pages and in general, I feel pretty useless ^^: But doodling and playing the guitar completely relieves my stress.
Speaking of my guitar - I’m getting (or I think I’m getting) a lot better! Apparently, MOM is jealous. And mom well..She’s never been jealous of me in the musical field (the woman has a 2 1/2 octave range D|)
No, I’m fine. It’s just the more I look at the news, the more I look at what’s going on in politics I can’t help but to think that things are going downhill. It seems like the country is headed for a dark time. I’m not a pessimistic person (or rather I try not to be) but I can’t help myself with this.
Now, I really can’t say I’ve completely developed my opinion of the Presidential candidates, but all parties involved give me a funny feeling. Obama in particular. Something just doesn’t sit right with me about that man. Now, my opinion could be (or is most likely) influenced by my mother. But then again, I trust and respect her opinion. She’s never really been wrong about this kind of thing that I can remember. I dislike this kind of stuff - Politics, all this talk of racism, war it all gives me a bad feeling in my chest that I can’t ignore. I wish I could just completely avoid these things but given that it’s an election year, it’s pretty much impossible. I suppose that the only thing I can do is hope that everything works out, seeing as I’m not eighteen yet and I can’t really influence it at all.
Jeez, I just don’t know anymore.
In my life though, I’d have to say things are going really REALLY well. I’ve stopped dragging my feet on drawing chapter two of Sword of Heaven (although I need to do work on Devil’s Advocate still) - There’s only 5 pages left to be drawn and seven to be scanned, lettered and toned. All in all, I’m getting the chapter finished up (Hooray!). That leaves me with a lot of work ahead of me still, I haven’t finished scripting chapter three yet, and I can’t start on the thumbnails until then, so it’s gonna be a while before I start work on the actual pages. But, it’s content before art so I really shouldn’t be complaining!
My cosplay stuff has taken an interesting (and altogether very wonderful turn) in the way that I’m now part of a “group” (really, they’re more like my online family XD) and there’s some talk (or planning) to go to ACEN next year! This means I have to get a job so I can save up but I’m really REALLY looking forward to it. It’d be my first con though XD I’m gonna be soooooo nervous!
I’m having a really blast learning to play the guitar better! I know a little bit yeah, and I’m still doing the whole “self-teaching” thing - I don’t know if I’d want to take lessons or not…I’d really like to improve though, it’s just such a huge thing to me and I’d really like to be the best I can at it.
Recently, however, I came to the conclusion that maybe I’m not cut out for being a serious “singer” because, let’s face it, I don’t have a very broad range and I have some issues keeping in key - it’s probably something I could fix with voice lessons but I don’t know if I’d be able to do something like that. But hey, not all the great musicians were great with vocals and there are people who can barely sing at all who are successful in the music industry so, I could make it XD My song writing has gotten a lot better as of late and I attribute that to the continued support and encouragement of my friends and family. I don’t have very much faith in myself and I tend to seriously doubt my “talents” and having them back me up really helps me out. I love them all SOOOOOO very much.
To me, this is getting a little long, so I’m gonna cut out for now.
<3 Having a great day today, got lots done, recorded a few songs including “Never Enough” which you can listen to here
I also got a pair of sculptures done lately, one of them is of Xigbar from Kingdom Hearts:
Haha, the scan totaly ruins the look, you can’t see his ponytail ^^The other sculpture is of Zexion (also from Kingdom Hearts) and I’ve been considering selling sculptures like these ones… Oh but ask to buy the Xigbar or Zexion sculpture, they are both gifts one (the Xigbar) is a gift for my best friend and the other (who isn’t done drying just yet) is a gift to myself ^^
Well as a solution to that stupid roleplaying chara fiasco I have decided that I will only be posting drawings of my beloved chara Cerix, on this blog…It’s regrettable that I can no longer post him on DA but I don’t want to create anymore trouble over a stupid coincidence like that….
Work on Sword of Heaven is going….What other word is there for it but slowly. Very slowly. I’ve really been dragging my feet on chapter two, well that isn’t entirely true…At first I was getting work done at a great pace, pages laid out, sketched and inked every day. But after getting around 20 pages in, I’ve started to drag my feet a little bit and haven’t gotten any work done in several days (in actuality, it’s really more like a week and a half) I have a page sitting on my desk about half inked to be honest. My editor isn’t very happy with my right now, but since I’m self-published I really don’t have to worry about getting fired, but having a stubborn younger sister be mad at you all the time is mentally very taxing and quite stressful…
I think I need to take a vacation from drawing. Hopefully, the Easter trip to my uncle’s will be what I need to get me back on my feet and back to work…We’ll see….
•A.N.N.A•
-is 17 years old
-is Female
-is Shy
-is Irish/Polish
-lacks confidence
-can't keep her mouth shut
-has an IQ of 170, but still acts like a moron
-can't ever get requests done
-thinks she's a guy deep down
-thinks ketchup goes with EVERYHING.
•A.B.O.U.T•
Anna is a 17-year-old Manga artist/writer/musician living in Wisconsin. She loves animals, politics(she's really just obsessed with them) helping people and eating. She can usually be found drawing, writing or talking with friends via MSN instant messenger. In life, Anna puts her art above everything and spends nearly all her time on it. Her pet-project is Sword of Heaven, an "epic" manga/webcomic. Her project in the works is Devil's Advocate.
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