6 Billion people in the world.
6 Billion people who hate and feel anger; who love and feel joy; who cry and feel sorrow.
6 Billion people; and I chose to hate the one person on earth I need to learn to love.
6 Billion people and the only person I hate in it is myself.
Shit man. I’m stressed. I cut off alot of my hair. It’s uneven, but it looks good. I like it. My mom says it makes me look more mature. I agree. I like how long it makes my neck look.
But UGH. All the stress in my life built up last night and I broke. I broke over something really…really stupid. I wanted to get my MP3 player last night, my dad promised we would. It was silly to break over, but it happened anyway. I just…My sister asked me to get off the computer and I really needed my music. I really needed it. But I let her use it anyways (I can’t get my music without the computer; broken stereo, no headphones, no MP3 player, no batteries for my old walkman). And I broke.
I needed my music a lot. It’s something that’s really important to me, listening to music, making music. It makes me feel a lot more complete. And with all the stress in my life right now - my friends fighting, my schoolwork piling up on me, trying to be there for everyone all the time, being unsure about the future; about the future of my country (with Pres. Obama in power and all the deciscions he’s making.), about what I want to do with my life (what career to get, whether to get married someday etc. etc.) I really need something to distract me. Something to help me stop thinking so much. I admit that overthinking things is a big problem for me. I overthink everything. I can’t stop thinking most of the time - and about bad things, for the most part. I tend to think about problems I have or problems I might have. I think about scenarios, trying to talk to people and being turned down; things like that. It’s stupid. But anyway, I keep thinking about those things and that stresses me out too.
I need to find a way to deal with it. What I did last night is not the right way to deal with it.
Here’s what I did:
I got up, I wrote in my journal (not a bad thing), I took a bath (again, not a bad thing) then, I ran upstairs and started ranting to myself, I grabbed a pair of scissors, rushed to the bathroom and started hacking off my hair (not a good thing). I freaked out over it afterward a bit. I started crying and after that, I couldn’t stop crying. I started arguing with my dad, I was yelling at him. I was really mean about it. I ran back upstairs again, crying my fucking eyes out. I started to think about shit I don’t need to think about - self harm, that bullshit, all the while telling myself “Don’t think about that. Don’t, God damn it. You know that’s bad for you.” out loud, while pacing around upstairs, looking for a boxcutter (didn’t find it, thank GOODNESS).
Well, that’s definitely not a way to deal with my stress. Neither is considering stealing my mom’s perscription pills. I didn’t do that either. I know that’s wrong.
After I finished with my ranting and raving to myself, I popped onto the spare computer after everyone went to sleep and started chatting with friends, turned on some music and started singing along… I paused the music once or twice, said a prayer or two. And I felt a lot better. By about 7 AM (I started feeling like this at about..1, maybe 2 AM) I was pretty much blissful, singing Hey Jude, doing all the little vocalizations in it and everything and having trouble not laughing. It was great.
-sigh- I know what part of my problem is. I’m taking on all my friends’ problems - I’ve been there to help everyone, all the time. I’m always listening to what other people are going through, trying to help them. Kind of like I’m trying to save everyone, in a way? I keep trying to help people but I don’t look at what’s wrong with me. It’s making me feel like “I’m always there for everyone else but no one is there for ME!” It’s the dumb old teenager’s cliche, feeling like no one cares or no one understands but it’s the feeling I’m having lately.
Another part of it is like someone tore holes in me - in my heart, in my soul and then they tried to patch it back together with staples. Really, that’s just a metaphor for how I’ve been hurt in the past and I don’t think i’ve ever dealt with what’s REALLY making me feel so alone; I’ve just tried to fill up the holes with people with as many problems as I have (not saying I don’t love my friends. I love them more than ANYTHING.) and it’s not fixing the problem.
For awhile? It worked wonders. I felt so much better - I felt like I wasn’t alone anymore and now that high and euphoria is wearing away. I feel like the same old lonely girl I always was.
Additionally, I think I need to get out of the house. I plan to this afternoon. I want to do something. I just want to go outside, I will.
TL;DR ranting. Sorry for this. I need to destress (although writing this will increase my stress while I’m writing it, I will feel better later)
Gay jokes bother me. A lot. I’m not gay but they happen to really hurt my feelings. I don’t like it when other people make fun of someone because of things they can’t help, like who they fall in love with/are attracted to. Love is love and it’s a wonderful thing and a lot of people never find someone they care about and the people who do shouldn’t be made fun of or mistreated (or treated differently in any way) just because of who they happen to fall in love with. I don’t think that God would want that because I think God wants us all to find someone we love. Love is the greatest gift God gave us here on earth, isn’t it? (Not getting into eternal salvation because I’m not sure if I believe in that. It’s a moot point because that’s not on earth, any way)
I love my friend, I really do. But I can’t handle the fact that she hates everyone who’s gay because of what one person did. It’s not the fault of everyone. Just that one person who happened to be a fucking jerk. I understand that it’s easy to hate everyone of a given…erm..I guess sexuality? Well, it applies to ethnicities too. Because of what ONE person did.
I could hate all hispanic people because one hispanic boy sexually assaulted my mother. I could hate all hispanic people because the same happened to me (different kid) I could hate all men because of that, but I don’t. I don’t understand why hatred is such a big thing with some people. I don’t understand how someone can be blinded like that. I don’t understand at all.
How can you judge all people by one person’s actions? For that matter, how can you hate any group of people for anything? How do people hate gays just because of the fact that they’re attracted to the same sex? How can people hate blacks JUST BECAUSE they’re black? How can someone hate all Conservatives just because they’re conservative or hate all liberals just because they’re liberal? I…I don’t get it!
I don’t understand it at all. It drives me insane. I don’t know what to do about it because I can’t avoid hatred, even though it tears holes in my heart because it’s everywhere and in everyone.
I can’t leave my friend because I promised her I would never leave her alone, ever. That I’d always be there for her when she needs me. Even though her continued hate and continued joking bothers me. Fuck, she doesn’t even give me the same consideration that I try to give her. I keep getting hurt again and again and I can’t make it stop.
Am I just pathetic like this? I know why I’m like this. I spent such a long time without friends and such a long time feeling utterly alone that now I cling onto whatever friends I have, even if they’re not good friends. I hate making anyone upset and I keep sacrificing my own feelings for others, I keep breaking and chipping away at myself for everyone else. And what have I gained for this?
Pain. Pain and suffering.
I just want it all to stop. It makes me wish I never made any friends at all. God, it hurts so much less to be lonely than to have feelings hurt by someone you care about…It would have been better if I never met any of my friends…
No. No it wouldn’t because I’ve helped them. I’ve got friends who’ve told me that I’ve helped them be less depressed, made them feel better about themselves. I’ve gotten them through hardtimes. And that’s worth something, right?
And I know that most of them would stick by me if I was having trouble but right now, when my emotions are causing me a lot of pain, when I feel like sitting in a bathtub full of water and knocking a toaster into it, I feel alone. Not because no one is there for me, but because I can’t tell them that I’m hurting because I don’t want them to worry.
God, these are the people that keep me from thinking about offing myself. The people who, everytime the thought even enters my head keep me from thinking more about it. The people who I’m scared might hurt themselves if I was gone. I feel such a huge weight on my shoulders all the time now. I can’t escape because people depend on me now. They need me, maybe even more than I need them.
…ugh. my friend won’t leave me alone about my favorite Kingdom Hearts pairing and it’s getting on my nerves. Okay, I get it that she hates ZexKai but that doesn’t mean she can bitch at me for drawing it.
It’s fucking HOT OUT DX and humidity. Damn humidity. Dad has to fix the AC and even THEN he doesn’t want to turn it on because of the bills D| Freakin’ energy bills being so high. -huff-
Apparently, I could blame it all on the same stuff everyone else does blah blah blah..I will ignore whose fault this discomfort is and instead..take it out on my blog readers :,D I’m just kidding, of course. Not like I have any readers XD
Umm…Well, other than the ungodly humidity, I’m starting on that “100 pictures” challenge that’s running around on DA but yeah. I think maybe it’ll get me to start drawing again because I haven’t been drawing anywhere but on my Tegaki lately…
I’m also addicted to Kairion (KairixZexion) now, so Zemyx= not my OTP (XP that phase ended quickly.) I’m becoming very grateful for my friends, I’ve realized that without them, I’m practically doomed…They really REALLY mean a lot to me (they know who they are if they’re reading this D: )
Umm….I’ve been avoiding people lately, it’s not something I’m proud of. And I was sleeping all day but now I’ve gotten onto a “normal” schedule..Fell asleep at 10 last night…DX I wanted to force myself to stay up a little later, but I was falling asleep at my keyboard. I’ll have to stay up a LITTLE later tonight as I ended up missing out on a bunch of stuff that happened with my buds and my online family D: which is no good. No good at all.
I need to go clothes shopping soon. I need tank tops and new jeans. And a JOB. Of course, mom doesn’t have my birth certificate or my social security junk on hand. Meaning: no job for me until we get these things… Also, I’m supposed to “catch up” with my math before I get a job. Okay, so I’m behind…A lot behind because I don’t actually do my studying like I’m supposed to…so I’m gonna have to do school through the summer. ALL summer…Gotta “catch up” Mostly so I can save up for Acen next year. I really REALLY want to go and if I don’t have my cosplay together, it’s just gonna be a real bummer to me (not like going even OUT of cosplay wouldn’t be a total blast it’s just I have it all planned and stuff…) umm..I need to get the house clean and I’ve been slacking off on that because I just haven’t felt like it. Mostly, I need to get the basement clean (as that’s the task I’ve taken on)…I need to clean out the laundry room as I haven’t done it since it flooded and…well, floods+old clothes+humid, dark basement+mold spores= mold. So, that needs to be cleaned up, I need to get supplies before I can tackle that though…But the rest of the basement I think I can handle…I just need to get a lamp down there.
And I need to find a way to buy furniture too. I want it to look great for when Memi comes out from Cali…That’s something that’s gonna be a TOTAL blast. But again, I need to get the house cleaned. I get the feeling that no one will help though..It’ll be a miracle if I actually get anything done…So, I’m gonna have to work really hard for a miracle because no one in hell am I letting the house stay dirty. I need to find a cure for laziness. A GOOD cure for it. And a new stereo because my old one is busted and I need music to clean =x
Ah, I haven’t been getting work done on my comics lately, and there’s a good reason for that (which I think I mentioned in earlier posts) Well, my lamp is broken and for awhile I was using my sister’s desk. But we took in some stray kittens and now the litter box is in there and they run around and piss under dressers and stuff so it smells like ammonia and…I CAN’T STAND ammonia…Makes me feel like throwing up and it gives me a killer headache. So I can’t get any work done right now… it SUCKS REALLY BAD.
I need to get over the “social phobia” I have…I think that’s what you’d call it - not like I’ve been diagnosed with anything as I only saw a conselor once in my life and it was for a problem that I’ve mostly come to terms with - it doesn’t effect me TOO seriously anymore…Anyway, yeah, I need to get over my fear of talking to new people and being around lots of people and being approached by– I think I have a fear of people in general… It’s bad, I know, and it’s kinda silly as I’m always complaining about wanting a boyfriend and all of that stupid stuff… You know, the dumb teenage girl kind of stuff.
I guess though, I’m going to be off the dating scene for a while yet…I almost started dating and..it’s not like the guy’s turned out to be an asshole, well, maybe he kinda has. He wasn’t my type and he just can’t take the hint that I want to be JUST FRIENDS. Fuck, I’m past that. I don’t ever want to see the guy again. I’m avoiding going downtown (DA friends have heard this whole rant already so if you’ve already read this, skip down.) and I don’t even want to leave the house. I’m not going to go so far as to call him a stalker, but it kind of feels like that whenever I see him. It’s like, whenever we run into each other I get this SUPER nervous and sick feeling…A lot of people might think it;s “Oh, you like him” nervous…NO it’s NOT. I would KNOW that kind of feeling, it’s different. The feeling I get from this guy is totally skeeved out. There’s something untrustworthy about him.
I haven’t said this in my DA journals as I don’t want to freak out my friends (I’ll tell them eventually) but…I found out he’s been in and out of Juvie several times..IN fact the reason he never called me after we first met was because he got in a fight and got chucked back in… He says it was because he was defending a friend but… I don’t know. I’m going to trust my instincts and say he was lying. Because that’s what my gut tells me. It also tells me to stay away from this guy. But it’s hard to completely avoid meeting him and still have a life outside of my house - which I DO want. I like to go downtown, to the library and the mall and through the shopping district. It’s nice and I get a chance to do my life drawing studies…But it’s such a small town and I only ever go places with my two sisters and apparently, we’re noticeable if you know us because we’re the only three girls who hang out like that. So whenever I’m out, he notices us and comes over to talk…
Tina (my sister) even TOLD him I didn’t want to be his girlfriend and I wanted to “just be friends” (this was BEFORE I decided: I NEVER WANNA SEE HIM AGAIN D: ) and she says he said “I don’t know if I can be just friends with her” that could be taken in more than one way I guess but…. And I DID tell him that myself too and he says that he thinks I’m just scared to have a boyfriend, or scared of intimacy. But… Eh, it felt like he was kinda pressuring me in a way, is it stupid of me to feel like that?
Dad says to listen to my gut, and mom says that what he said sounds kind of shady and yeah, a bit manipulative. The thing is, I want to tell him off, tell me to leave me alone that I don’t want to talk to him anymore but…I don’t want to hurt this guy’s feelings. And I know, my feelings and my need to feel safe should FAR outweigh his feelings (or I would think so) because there’s that whole “if he makes you feel like your not safe, kick him to the curb” thing but… I’m just so concentrated on making everyone around me happy and trying to please people and be approved that it’s keeping me from doing what I know I have to do in this situation. I need to just build up the courage and end it.
What’s REALLY funny is that we’re not even dating or anything. I’m still technically single, never been on a date with this guy (or I wouldn’t call when we hung out when we first met a date). So it’s not like I have any sort of obligation to him. I wish God would just give me the strength and the courage to put myself first in this situation and tell this guy off…But I’m out of luck so far.
I guess I just have to keep trying to build up the courage and until then…I’ll be staying in the house :x
Aww jeez do I feel stupid today! Haha, OC’s are such a problem sometimes. People don’t like it when they think you ripped them off and I don’t blame them, being ripped off sucks. But being accused of being an art thief isn’t fun. And being expected to do thorough research to make sure that a character isn’t anything like anyone else’s before drawing and posting the OC is ridiculous.
At first, I was happy when they sent me a letter back saying that it was okay, but after re-reading it a few times, the letter was kinda snarky and rude. It is pretty ridiculous right? In anime and manga, I’m sure there are a number of characters who have similar personalities, abilities and weapons correct? And I’m sure that some of them even look alike. And it’s not even like I’m using this character for personal profit or anything, they’re a roleplaying character based in the Kingdom Hearts universe, made for roleplaying with my best friend. It’s rather ridiculous.
If I had “ripped off” their character for an original manga or something it would be an entirely different story! But they’re being snarky of a roleplaying character….Aww jeez, I was sniveling at their feet earlier. I feel like a moron….
Oh yeah this is a great first entry for a blog huh?
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