6 Billion people in the world.
6 Billion people who hate and feel anger; who love and feel joy; who cry and feel sorrow.
6 Billion people; and I chose to hate the one person on earth I need to learn to love.
6 Billion people and the only person I hate in it is myself.
Shit man. I’m stressed. I cut off alot of my hair. It’s uneven, but it looks good. I like it. My mom says it makes me look more mature. I agree. I like how long it makes my neck look.
But UGH. All the stress in my life built up last night and I broke. I broke over something really…really stupid. I wanted to get my MP3 player last night, my dad promised we would. It was silly to break over, but it happened anyway. I just…My sister asked me to get off the computer and I really needed my music. I really needed it. But I let her use it anyways (I can’t get my music without the computer; broken stereo, no headphones, no MP3 player, no batteries for my old walkman). And I broke.
I needed my music a lot. It’s something that’s really important to me, listening to music, making music. It makes me feel a lot more complete. And with all the stress in my life right now - my friends fighting, my schoolwork piling up on me, trying to be there for everyone all the time, being unsure about the future; about the future of my country (with Pres. Obama in power and all the deciscions he’s making.), about what I want to do with my life (what career to get, whether to get married someday etc. etc.) I really need something to distract me. Something to help me stop thinking so much. I admit that overthinking things is a big problem for me. I overthink everything. I can’t stop thinking most of the time - and about bad things, for the most part. I tend to think about problems I have or problems I might have. I think about scenarios, trying to talk to people and being turned down; things like that. It’s stupid. But anyway, I keep thinking about those things and that stresses me out too.
I need to find a way to deal with it. What I did last night is not the right way to deal with it.
Here’s what I did:
I got up, I wrote in my journal (not a bad thing), I took a bath (again, not a bad thing) then, I ran upstairs and started ranting to myself, I grabbed a pair of scissors, rushed to the bathroom and started hacking off my hair (not a good thing). I freaked out over it afterward a bit. I started crying and after that, I couldn’t stop crying. I started arguing with my dad, I was yelling at him. I was really mean about it. I ran back upstairs again, crying my fucking eyes out. I started to think about shit I don’t need to think about - self harm, that bullshit, all the while telling myself “Don’t think about that. Don’t, God damn it. You know that’s bad for you.” out loud, while pacing around upstairs, looking for a boxcutter (didn’t find it, thank GOODNESS).
Well, that’s definitely not a way to deal with my stress. Neither is considering stealing my mom’s perscription pills. I didn’t do that either. I know that’s wrong.
After I finished with my ranting and raving to myself, I popped onto the spare computer after everyone went to sleep and started chatting with friends, turned on some music and started singing along… I paused the music once or twice, said a prayer or two. And I felt a lot better. By about 7 AM (I started feeling like this at about..1, maybe 2 AM) I was pretty much blissful, singing Hey Jude, doing all the little vocalizations in it and everything and having trouble not laughing. It was great.
-sigh- I know what part of my problem is. I’m taking on all my friends’ problems - I’ve been there to help everyone, all the time. I’m always listening to what other people are going through, trying to help them. Kind of like I’m trying to save everyone, in a way? I keep trying to help people but I don’t look at what’s wrong with me. It’s making me feel like “I’m always there for everyone else but no one is there for ME!” It’s the dumb old teenager’s cliche, feeling like no one cares or no one understands but it’s the feeling I’m having lately.
Another part of it is like someone tore holes in me - in my heart, in my soul and then they tried to patch it back together with staples. Really, that’s just a metaphor for how I’ve been hurt in the past and I don’t think i’ve ever dealt with what’s REALLY making me feel so alone; I’ve just tried to fill up the holes with people with as many problems as I have (not saying I don’t love my friends. I love them more than ANYTHING.) and it’s not fixing the problem.
For awhile? It worked wonders. I felt so much better - I felt like I wasn’t alone anymore and now that high and euphoria is wearing away. I feel like the same old lonely girl I always was.
Additionally, I think I need to get out of the house. I plan to this afternoon. I want to do something. I just want to go outside, I will.
Had a photoshoot around my neighborhood this afternoon. It was very fun. Took about 82 photos. I kept finding interesting things to take pictures of! It’s made me feel a lot better, getting out of the house, even if it’s only for a little while.
(left to right: a chain link fence a few blocks down the railroad, a crossing light, the laundromat near my house, the laundromat again)
I don’t know why I find such an appeal in pictures like this, little snapshots of things that are in life but are usually just passed by without a second glance. It’s so attractive to me.
(left to right: an abandoned (?) building on the train tracks, the window of the building, a power outlet in the laundromat)
And things that are decaying too, falling apart at the seams, moldy covered with mildew. It’s strange how these things are so often considered ugly yet…they have their own unique and beautiful charm, don’t they?
(left to right: conceptual - the stop sign at the corner near the laundromat, some puddles on the sidewalk, the crossing light again.)
These are most of the shots I ended up keeping. So many of them didn’t turn out quite right. I’m very happy with the overall out come though.
Hopefully, I ‘ll be able to take some pictures at the park on Saturday. I’m looking forward to a chance to take more pictures.
EDIT: It’s seeming a little better now! No need from the depressing stuff of earlier!
Anyway, on the bright side, has anyone noticed that Michelle Obama has the WORST fashion sense…ever? It’s ridiculous! She should get a better stylist. She’d look soooo much better in some nice indigo colors…Maybe a different hair cut would suit her better. I’m not a fashion expert though (I love colors that clash, actually) but I do think she could look better. She’s the First Lady for goodness sake! There’ve been one or two good outfits she’s worn but for the most part, they’re terrible. I really wish someone would help her out…just a little. LOL.
Um. There’s some other stuff, I’ve got an awesome little group on Tegaki-E for Kingdom Hearts fans and I’d LOVE some bookmarks and apps lol. Anyone who’s interested just go to: rEbIrTh
That show, Lie To Me is freaking awesome too. Caught Scrubs on Tuesday; all I gotta say is GO TED! Heh, if he can do it, I guess I can too.
Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve updated! I mean to actually update regularly from now on. I’m trying to get onto a release schedule for Sword of Heaven and hope to start getting pages of Devil’s Advocate out by April (I still have a LOT of planning and character design work to do!).
Our Roxas before setting off downtown.
My sisters and I recently went on a cosplaying trip (well, last month) to our mall and took some quick photos.It was actually a really nice trip other than the fact that really early on I ended up not being in the mood to cosplay and took off my wig. I ended up getting a compliment on my singing voice as my younger sister and I were singing together like dorks. It would be nice if I got the chance to go out and take cosplay photos more often, I really enjoy it. Although prep is a pain, especially with our Sora who has (or had) super-long hair. There’s some plans for a trip to our area park this weekend for some photos although I won’t be cosplaying as Zexion this trip, but instead as Xion. I’ll try to get photos up!
Here’s some photos from the trip when we first got our camera:
Zexion (myself) posing next to a carousel in the mall, not the most manly of situations...Nor entirely fitting. Let's blame Namine.
Sora trying to look cool at night, one of the few times the flash on the camera actually WORKED.
Sora and Zexion before setting out. It was actually kind of cold that day, but we're used to it now!
Umm…What else has happened lately? Well, I’ve gotten a tad bit more work done on Sword of Heaven, although I’m still woefully lacking in actual work. I’ve TRIED to start up several tegaki-e groups but they tend to die shortly. I’m currently working on a few stories, here’s an excerpt from “The White Room”
For my entire life, I’ve been sick. In and out of those stale hospital rooms with their dead air and white linens. For my entire life, I’ve hated them. Who on earth likes hospitals? How could anyone chose to be a doctor, knowing that they would work in a hospital. It baffles me. I hated them and I didn’t want to go to another. That’s what I told my mother as we drove down the long, desolate interstate highway that lead to the new hospital; White Rivers. I stared at the scenery flying past us, trees, rocks and grass meshed together into a grayish green blur broken by the drops of rain winding their down my window. The long road ahead was obscured by a thick fog which had descended on us sometime after passing through small town called “Earlham” . And that was almost two hours and 100 miles behind us.
“Mom, I don’t want to go.” I said, turning toward my mother. Her pale fingers were wrapped tightly around the steering wheel, her knuckles were white and her jaw was clenched. Her long wispy hair was falling into her face. She looked tired. She was tired. We had been driving since the night before.
“Emily, please.” She said, her voice cracking. “You have to, you know that. They’re going to make you better.”
I half-laughed. “Mom don’t lie to me.” I said, turning back to the window. “I don’t care about getting ‘better’ anymore. I just don’t.”
“You can’t mean that Emily.”
I didn’t answer, I just kept staring out the window; wallowing in the hopelessness I was feeling. I wondered if dad felt the same in the end. Dad and me, we suffered from the same thing. Some sort of rare genetic immune deficiency, something no one could fix. Not even the best doctors in the world could do much for me except give me antibiotics to stave off the never ending infections. Growing up worrying that the littlest scrape would get infected wasn’t much fun. Hardly went out to play with the other kids. So, I was understandably pale and skinny. Skinny mostly because I didn’t usually feel hungry. And when I did eat, I felt nauseous afterwards.
I had stick straight dark brown, almost black hair, I didn’t take much care of it either. I’d let it get oily and tangled and it would hang in my face…Until mother bitched at me enough to get me to wash it and brush it. I admit that if I took better care of myself, kept myself a little cleaner I wouldn’t be sick as often as I was. But it always felt a little bit useless, I was going to be sick anyway; why try not to be?
Add in my glasses and the fact that I was ridiculously short and it made it no wonder no guy ever talked to me. I didn’t care. I mean, what if I passed this on to my kids if I had any? I’d be damned if I passed this torture on to any potential offspring. So, even though no one looked my way twice, dating was out of the realm of possibilities anyway.
Also! Please enjoy some (silent) videos from the earlier cosplay trip. It seems the camera we got also films (but does not capture sound) being the dorks myself and my sisters are, we HAD to mess with it!
Cosplay Ice “skating”
Getting some gumballs (this was pure silliness)
A short forray into actually ACTING, although it’s more like a silent film due to our camera’s lack of ability to capture sound.
I still have a lot of work to do but in the meantime, enjoy this (exclusive!) preview of the upcoming Sword of Heaven page!
Wow, it’s been awhile since I posted anything on my blog ^^; Well, I suppose that now is as good a time as any huh?
Well, in the last couple of months I’ve started a new project, a manga called “Devil’s Advocate”; basically, this is a more gritty kind of manga than Sword of Heaven. I’m really excited about working on it. Most of it’s to be posted at here
There’s been a lot going on lately actually– but things are going good! That’s a real relief.
That big thing with my character, Cerix seems to have cleared up, I’m not longer being accused of stealing a character (which is, of course a good thing.) I’ve also started a writing project “Sympathy for Sable”. I’m really enjoying just sitting down and writing, it’s been a really really long time since I did it and I think it’s refreshing. Of course, I’m still drawing art for the characters of SfS because I’m an artist and the moment a character becomes solid in my mind, I have to draw them. It’s a funny thing, usually, when a character pops into my head they come in almost complete–not their past but their appearance, personality and clothing style. I’ve read that for the most part you’re supposed to experiment with characters until you get them to “feel right”. Hnn.
I’m working really hard on Sword of Heaven again and working decently hard on Devil’s Advocate. I’m really excited to get more of them done because the two series have some tie-ins and I’d really like to illustrate those things XD. I’m having some trouble with feeling accomplished lately, however. I’m feeling less like I can draw than I used to. I think the problem might be that I really don’t have any talent for stand-alone art– I’m really more of a sequential artist and seeing so many artists who can draw stand-alone art easily (mostly on deviantArt.com) I suppose I feel incompetent because I can’t do the same. But I think after some more life drawing I should be able to do so.
I’ve been experimenting with my tone work too, the newest pages of SOH are looking really good and most of chapter two can be found here.
Lately, my sisters, my best friend and I have been planning to do some cosplay! I’ll be cosplaying as Zexion, I’m really stoked too! Of course, there’s still A LOT of things I need for my cosplay– coat, boots, Lexicon…The only thing I’ve really got already is the hair, I do have to find dye but I chopped it off for the most part it actually looks good on me..But my sister says that if I don’t let it cover one side of my face, I look like a Kate XD. It’s a funny thing to think that you might LOOK like you should have a certain name.
Recently, I found out that there’s a mother cat and a pair of kittens living in my garage– they’re adorable. We’ve named them, the mother’s name is Olive and the kittens (a boy and a girl) are named Hobbes and Beatrice. It makes me really sad that we’re just their foster family and we’ll be giving them away once the kittens have grown up. I really missed having little kittens around….
I need to get a job XD. I’ve been dying for some Prismacolor markers ever since I bought a Peach colored one I’ve been addicted to them and I can’t afford the full set ^^; …Mom says if I do well in my studies for six months (or she was saying this, I don’t know if she’s still going through with it.) that she’d buy me the 48 marker set. I really hope so ^^ The Prismacolors are SO awesome. My G-pen split recently and when I bought my new nibs, I put one in and it fell into my ink! I don’t know how the heck it happened–it was the right nib for the holder and everything -sigh-. I’m so pissed off about it still. I guess it’s not so bad though, I really prefer my round pen.
Still trying to get stuff done around the house– I’ve been putting off cleaning the basement like I promised myself I would and I’m really overdue for spring cleaning Dx I’m really not looking forward to it. But what has to be done has to be done XD wish me luck, there’s a hell of a lot of spiders down there and I need to clear them out, clean the basement and furnish it before August. Not to mention I have to help get the rest of the house in order. It’s gonna be a lot of work but I’m certain it’ll be worth it in the end.
Lots of love,
Anna.
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