Shit man. I’m stressed. I cut off alot of my hair. It’s uneven, but it looks good. I like it. My mom says it makes me look more mature. I agree. I like how long it makes my neck look.
But UGH. All the stress in my life built up last night and I broke. I broke over something really…really stupid. I wanted to get my MP3 player last night, my dad promised we would. It was silly to break over, but it happened anyway. I just…My sister asked me to get off the computer and I really needed my music. I really needed it. But I let her use it anyways (I can’t get my music without the computer; broken stereo, no headphones, no MP3 player, no batteries for my old walkman). And I broke.
I needed my music a lot. It’s something that’s really important to me, listening to music, making music. It makes me feel a lot more complete. And with all the stress in my life right now - my friends fighting, my schoolwork piling up on me, trying to be there for everyone all the time, being unsure about the future; about the future of my country (with Pres. Obama in power and all the deciscions he’s making.), about what I want to do with my life (what career to get, whether to get married someday etc. etc.) I really need something to distract me. Something to help me stop thinking so much. I admit that overthinking things is a big problem for me. I overthink everything. I can’t stop thinking most of the time - and about bad things, for the most part. I tend to think about problems I have or problems I might have. I think about scenarios, trying to talk to people and being turned down; things like that. It’s stupid. But anyway, I keep thinking about those things and that stresses me out too.
I need to find a way to deal with it. What I did last night is not the right way to deal with it.
Here’s what I did:
I got up, I wrote in my journal (not a bad thing), I took a bath (again, not a bad thing) then, I ran upstairs and started ranting to myself, I grabbed a pair of scissors, rushed to the bathroom and started hacking off my hair (not a good thing). I freaked out over it afterward a bit. I started crying and after that, I couldn’t stop crying. I started arguing with my dad, I was yelling at him. I was really mean about it. I ran back upstairs again, crying my fucking eyes out. I started to think about shit I don’t need to think about - self harm, that bullshit, all the while telling myself “Don’t think about that. Don’t, God damn it. You know that’s bad for you.” out loud, while pacing around upstairs, looking for a boxcutter (didn’t find it, thank GOODNESS).
Well, that’s definitely not a way to deal with my stress. Neither is considering stealing my mom’s perscription pills. I didn’t do that either. I know that’s wrong.
After I finished with my ranting and raving to myself, I popped onto the spare computer after everyone went to sleep and started chatting with friends, turned on some music and started singing along… I paused the music once or twice, said a prayer or two. And I felt a lot better. By about 7 AM (I started feeling like this at about..1, maybe 2 AM) I was pretty much blissful, singing Hey Jude, doing all the little vocalizations in it and everything and having trouble not laughing. It was great.
-sigh- I know what part of my problem is. I’m taking on all my friends’ problems - I’ve been there to help everyone, all the time. I’m always listening to what other people are going through, trying to help them. Kind of like I’m trying to save everyone, in a way? I keep trying to help people but I don’t look at what’s wrong with me. It’s making me feel like “I’m always there for everyone else but no one is there for ME!” It’s the dumb old teenager’s cliche, feeling like no one cares or no one understands but it’s the feeling I’m having lately.
Another part of it is like someone tore holes in me - in my heart, in my soul and then they tried to patch it back together with staples. Really, that’s just a metaphor for how I’ve been hurt in the past and I don’t think i’ve ever dealt with what’s REALLY making me feel so alone; I’ve just tried to fill up the holes with people with as many problems as I have (not saying I don’t love my friends. I love them more than ANYTHING.) and it’s not fixing the problem.
For awhile? It worked wonders. I felt so much better - I felt like I wasn’t alone anymore and now that high and euphoria is wearing away. I feel like the same old lonely girl I always was.
Additionally, I think I need to get out of the house. I plan to this afternoon. I want to do something. I just want to go outside, I will.
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