TL;DR ranting. Sorry for this. I need to destress (although writing this will increase my stress while I’m writing it, I will feel better later)
Gay jokes bother me. A lot. I’m not gay but they happen to really hurt my feelings. I don’t like it when other people make fun of someone because of things they can’t help, like who they fall in love with/are attracted to. Love is love and it’s a wonderful thing and a lot of people never find someone they care about and the people who do shouldn’t be made fun of or mistreated (or treated differently in any way) just because of who they happen to fall in love with. I don’t think that God would want that because I think God wants us all to find someone we love. Love is the greatest gift God gave us here on earth, isn’t it? (Not getting into eternal salvation because I’m not sure if I believe in that. It’s a moot point because that’s not on earth, any way)
I love my friend, I really do. But I can’t handle the fact that she hates everyone who’s gay because of what one person did. It’s not the fault of everyone. Just that one person who happened to be a fucking jerk. I understand that it’s easy to hate everyone of a given…erm..I guess sexuality? Well, it applies to ethnicities too. Because of what ONE person did.
I could hate all hispanic people because one hispanic boy sexually assaulted my mother. I could hate all hispanic people because the same happened to me (different kid) I could hate all men because of that, but I don’t. I don’t understand why hatred is such a big thing with some people. I don’t understand how someone can be blinded like that. I don’t understand at all.
How can you judge all people by one person’s actions? For that matter, how can you hate any group of people for anything? How do people hate gays just because of the fact that they’re attracted to the same sex? How can people hate blacks JUST BECAUSE they’re black? How can someone hate all Conservatives just because they’re conservative or hate all liberals just because they’re liberal? I…I don’t get it!
I don’t understand it at all. It drives me insane. I don’t know what to do about it because I can’t avoid hatred, even though it tears holes in my heart because it’s everywhere and in everyone.
I can’t leave my friend because I promised her I would never leave her alone, ever. That I’d always be there for her when she needs me. Even though her continued hate and continued joking bothers me. Fuck, she doesn’t even give me the same consideration that I try to give her. I keep getting hurt again and again and I can’t make it stop.
Am I just pathetic like this? I know why I’m like this. I spent such a long time without friends and such a long time feeling utterly alone that now I cling onto whatever friends I have, even if they’re not good friends. I hate making anyone upset and I keep sacrificing my own feelings for others, I keep breaking and chipping away at myself for everyone else. And what have I gained for this?
Pain. Pain and suffering.
I just want it all to stop. It makes me wish I never made any friends at all. God, it hurts so much less to be lonely than to have feelings hurt by someone you care about…It would have been better if I never met any of my friends…
No. No it wouldn’t because I’ve helped them. I’ve got friends who’ve told me that I’ve helped them be less depressed, made them feel better about themselves. I’ve gotten them through hardtimes. And that’s worth something, right?
And I know that most of them would stick by me if I was having trouble but right now, when my emotions are causing me a lot of pain, when I feel like sitting in a bathtub full of water and knocking a toaster into it, I feel alone. Not because no one is there for me, but because I can’t tell them that I’m hurting because I don’t want them to worry.
God, these are the people that keep me from thinking about offing myself. The people who, everytime the thought even enters my head keep me from thinking more about it. The people who I’m scared might hurt themselves if I was gone. I feel such a huge weight on my shoulders all the time now. I can’t escape because people depend on me now. They need me, maybe even more than I need them.
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