I think I might be depressed. I have a lot of those stupid little symptoms. Lack of interest, sleeping too much or not enough (it fluctuates) eating too much or not enough (fluctuates) irritability, mood swings and all of that stuff. And it’s not like “that time of the month” stuff either… It’s been like this for the last month or so. Plus, my apathetic moods are becoming far more frequent and playing the guitar isn’t clearing them up anymore. Neither is drawing or writing. They stick with me for a whole day sometimes. They used to be like that, lasting for days. For a long time now, I’ve been really happy, feeling good. Lots of friends, talking with them, I was doing GREAT! But I’m falling back into that depressive state, and it’s getting to me. It’s an endless cycle, I’m getting depressed because I’m depressed. I’ve never been clinically diagnosed but…I think I might be depressed. For real.
A while ago, mom said I might need anti-anxiety medicine - I get anxious so easily. I start shaking around when I ‘m in the food court at the mall. She also thinks I need to pay more attention. It’s funny, it’s not that I’m spacing out…it’s that I’m listening to other people talk, it’s kind of rude I guess, but as a writer, it’s one of those things you have to do. Especially when you don’t have a lot of friends “IRL” I don’t hang out with people outside of the internet. I’m practically married to Athena (my computer). See what I mean? It’s got a NAME. Sad, right? Well, it’s just one of those things I guess. I want to tell mom that I want to see a therapist but… I don’t know, sometimes it feels like mom doesn’t think anyone but her needs to see one. And it sounds mean for me to say that about my own mother, but it’s how it feels. It’s like…I feel like she doesn’t care. I know she does, but…I’m just being an angsty teenager again :x
It’s fucking HOT OUT DX and humidity. Damn humidity. Dad has to fix the AC and even THEN he doesn’t want to turn it on because of the bills D| Freakin’ energy bills being so high. -huff-
Apparently, I could blame it all on the same stuff everyone else does blah blah blah..I will ignore whose fault this discomfort is and instead..take it out on my blog readers :,D I’m just kidding, of course. Not like I have any readers XD
Umm…Well, other than the ungodly humidity, I’m starting on that “100 pictures” challenge that’s running around on DA but yeah. I think maybe it’ll get me to start drawing again because I haven’t been drawing anywhere but on my Tegaki lately…
I’m also addicted to Kairion (KairixZexion) now, so Zemyx= not my OTP (XP that phase ended quickly.) I’m becoming very grateful for my friends, I’ve realized that without them, I’m practically doomed…They really REALLY mean a lot to me (they know who they are if they’re reading this D: )
Umm….I’ve been avoiding people lately, it’s not something I’m proud of. And I was sleeping all day but now I’ve gotten onto a “normal” schedule..Fell asleep at 10 last night…DX I wanted to force myself to stay up a little later, but I was falling asleep at my keyboard. I’ll have to stay up a LITTLE later tonight as I ended up missing out on a bunch of stuff that happened with my buds and my online family D: which is no good. No good at all.
I need to go clothes shopping soon. I need tank tops and new jeans. And a JOB. Of course, mom doesn’t have my birth certificate or my social security junk on hand. Meaning: no job for me until we get these things… Also, I’m supposed to “catch up” with my math before I get a job. Okay, so I’m behind…A lot behind because I don’t actually do my studying like I’m supposed to…so I’m gonna have to do school through the summer. ALL summer…Gotta “catch up” Mostly so I can save up for Acen next year. I really REALLY want to go and if I don’t have my cosplay together, it’s just gonna be a real bummer to me (not like going even OUT of cosplay wouldn’t be a total blast it’s just I have it all planned and stuff…) umm..I need to get the house clean and I’ve been slacking off on that because I just haven’t felt like it. Mostly, I need to get the basement clean (as that’s the task I’ve taken on)…I need to clean out the laundry room as I haven’t done it since it flooded and…well, floods+old clothes+humid, dark basement+mold spores= mold. So, that needs to be cleaned up, I need to get supplies before I can tackle that though…But the rest of the basement I think I can handle…I just need to get a lamp down there.
And I need to find a way to buy furniture too. I want it to look great for when Memi comes out from Cali…That’s something that’s gonna be a TOTAL blast. But again, I need to get the house cleaned. I get the feeling that no one will help though..It’ll be a miracle if I actually get anything done…So, I’m gonna have to work really hard for a miracle because no one in hell am I letting the house stay dirty. I need to find a cure for laziness. A GOOD cure for it. And a new stereo because my old one is busted and I need music to clean =x
Ah, I haven’t been getting work done on my comics lately, and there’s a good reason for that (which I think I mentioned in earlier posts) Well, my lamp is broken and for awhile I was using my sister’s desk. But we took in some stray kittens and now the litter box is in there and they run around and piss under dressers and stuff so it smells like ammonia and…I CAN’T STAND ammonia…Makes me feel like throwing up and it gives me a killer headache. So I can’t get any work done right now… it SUCKS REALLY BAD.
I need to get over the “social phobia” I have…I think that’s what you’d call it - not like I’ve been diagnosed with anything as I only saw a conselor once in my life and it was for a problem that I’ve mostly come to terms with - it doesn’t effect me TOO seriously anymore…Anyway, yeah, I need to get over my fear of talking to new people and being around lots of people and being approached by– I think I have a fear of people in general… It’s bad, I know, and it’s kinda silly as I’m always complaining about wanting a boyfriend and all of that stupid stuff… You know, the dumb teenage girl kind of stuff.
I guess though, I’m going to be off the dating scene for a while yet…I almost started dating and..it’s not like the guy’s turned out to be an asshole, well, maybe he kinda has. He wasn’t my type and he just can’t take the hint that I want to be JUST FRIENDS. Fuck, I’m past that. I don’t ever want to see the guy again. I’m avoiding going downtown (DA friends have heard this whole rant already so if you’ve already read this, skip down.) and I don’t even want to leave the house. I’m not going to go so far as to call him a stalker, but it kind of feels like that whenever I see him. It’s like, whenever we run into each other I get this SUPER nervous and sick feeling…A lot of people might think it;s “Oh, you like him” nervous…NO it’s NOT. I would KNOW that kind of feeling, it’s different. The feeling I get from this guy is totally skeeved out. There’s something untrustworthy about him.
I haven’t said this in my DA journals as I don’t want to freak out my friends (I’ll tell them eventually) but…I found out he’s been in and out of Juvie several times..IN fact the reason he never called me after we first met was because he got in a fight and got chucked back in… He says it was because he was defending a friend but… I don’t know. I’m going to trust my instincts and say he was lying. Because that’s what my gut tells me. It also tells me to stay away from this guy. But it’s hard to completely avoid meeting him and still have a life outside of my house - which I DO want. I like to go downtown, to the library and the mall and through the shopping district. It’s nice and I get a chance to do my life drawing studies…But it’s such a small town and I only ever go places with my two sisters and apparently, we’re noticeable if you know us because we’re the only three girls who hang out like that. So whenever I’m out, he notices us and comes over to talk…
Tina (my sister) even TOLD him I didn’t want to be his girlfriend and I wanted to “just be friends” (this was BEFORE I decided: I NEVER WANNA SEE HIM AGAIN D: ) and she says he said “I don’t know if I can be just friends with her” that could be taken in more than one way I guess but…. And I DID tell him that myself too and he says that he thinks I’m just scared to have a boyfriend, or scared of intimacy. But… Eh, it felt like he was kinda pressuring me in a way, is it stupid of me to feel like that?
Dad says to listen to my gut, and mom says that what he said sounds kind of shady and yeah, a bit manipulative. The thing is, I want to tell him off, tell me to leave me alone that I don’t want to talk to him anymore but…I don’t want to hurt this guy’s feelings. And I know, my feelings and my need to feel safe should FAR outweigh his feelings (or I would think so) because there’s that whole “if he makes you feel like your not safe, kick him to the curb” thing but… I’m just so concentrated on making everyone around me happy and trying to please people and be approved that it’s keeping me from doing what I know I have to do in this situation. I need to just build up the courage and end it.
What’s REALLY funny is that we’re not even dating or anything. I’m still technically single, never been on a date with this guy (or I wouldn’t call when we hung out when we first met a date). So it’s not like I have any sort of obligation to him. I wish God would just give me the strength and the courage to put myself first in this situation and tell this guy off…But I’m out of luck so far.
I guess I just have to keep trying to build up the courage and until then…I’ll be staying in the house :x
I have one now! XD Apparently, like EVERYONE is doing it now and..I’m usually left out of the fads so I figured: “HEY! Here’s something that hasn’t totally died out yet that I can do too =D!” and so here I am… My Tegaki-E
Neh….Lately I dunno. I just feel utterly uninspired XP. I’m trying to get work done on Sword of Heaven…buuut, things aren’t going quite as planned. I’ve been messing up on the pages and in general, I feel pretty useless ^^: But doodling and playing the guitar completely relieves my stress.
Speaking of my guitar - I’m getting (or I think I’m getting) a lot better! Apparently, MOM is jealous. And mom well..She’s never been jealous of me in the musical field (the woman has a 2 1/2 octave range D|)
No, I’m fine. It’s just the more I look at the news, the more I look at what’s going on in politics I can’t help but to think that things are going downhill. It seems like the country is headed for a dark time. I’m not a pessimistic person (or rather I try not to be) but I can’t help myself with this.
Now, I really can’t say I’ve completely developed my opinion of the Presidential candidates, but all parties involved give me a funny feeling. Obama in particular. Something just doesn’t sit right with me about that man. Now, my opinion could be (or is most likely) influenced by my mother. But then again, I trust and respect her opinion. She’s never really been wrong about this kind of thing that I can remember. I dislike this kind of stuff - Politics, all this talk of racism, war it all gives me a bad feeling in my chest that I can’t ignore. I wish I could just completely avoid these things but given that it’s an election year, it’s pretty much impossible. I suppose that the only thing I can do is hope that everything works out, seeing as I’m not eighteen yet and I can’t really influence it at all.
Jeez, I just don’t know anymore.
In my life though, I’d have to say things are going really REALLY well. I’ve stopped dragging my feet on drawing chapter two of Sword of Heaven (although I need to do work on Devil’s Advocate still) - There’s only 5 pages left to be drawn and seven to be scanned, lettered and toned. All in all, I’m getting the chapter finished up (Hooray!). That leaves me with a lot of work ahead of me still, I haven’t finished scripting chapter three yet, and I can’t start on the thumbnails until then, so it’s gonna be a while before I start work on the actual pages. But, it’s content before art so I really shouldn’t be complaining!
My cosplay stuff has taken an interesting (and altogether very wonderful turn) in the way that I’m now part of a “group” (really, they’re more like my online family XD) and there’s some talk (or planning) to go to ACEN next year! This means I have to get a job so I can save up but I’m really REALLY looking forward to it. It’d be my first con though XD I’m gonna be soooooo nervous!
I’m having a really blast learning to play the guitar better! I know a little bit yeah, and I’m still doing the whole “self-teaching” thing - I don’t know if I’d want to take lessons or not…I’d really like to improve though, it’s just such a huge thing to me and I’d really like to be the best I can at it.
Recently, however, I came to the conclusion that maybe I’m not cut out for being a serious “singer” because, let’s face it, I don’t have a very broad range and I have some issues keeping in key - it’s probably something I could fix with voice lessons but I don’t know if I’d be able to do something like that. But hey, not all the great musicians were great with vocals and there are people who can barely sing at all who are successful in the music industry so, I could make it XD My song writing has gotten a lot better as of late and I attribute that to the continued support and encouragement of my friends and family. I don’t have very much faith in myself and I tend to seriously doubt my “talents” and having them back me up really helps me out. I love them all SOOOOOO very much.
To me, this is getting a little long, so I’m gonna cut out for now.
•A.N.N.A•
-is 17 years old
-is Female
-is Shy
-is Irish/Polish
-lacks confidence
-can't keep her mouth shut
-has an IQ of 170, but still acts like a moron
-can't ever get requests done
-thinks she's a guy deep down
-thinks ketchup goes with EVERYHING.
•A.B.O.U.T•
Anna is a 17-year-old Manga artist/writer/musician living in Wisconsin. She loves animals, politics(she's really just obsessed with them) helping people and eating. She can usually be found drawing, writing or talking with friends via MSN instant messenger. In life, Anna puts her art above everything and spends nearly all her time on it. Her pet-project is Sword of Heaven, an "epic" manga/webcomic. Her project in the works is Devil's Advocate.
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