I hate everything & everyone but most of all myself. I hate my stupidity and my stubborn rigidity. I hate my dependence and my unpreparedness to grow up. I hate my immaturity. I hate everything about myself. Ugh, I just feel like ripping my skin off (don’t worry. I won’t. That would hurt too much.) I also have felt like throwing up for the last 12 hours or so…I haven’t though. I wish I would, I would feel better then…I think. My chest hurts too - I can’t stop crying so my eyes are all swollen and puffy & my head is super stuffed up…I feel terrible, but I brought it upon myself. I should be trying, y’know? So I can repair the friendship but…nothing has changed XD; I still feel no motivation to do anything…in fact, the only thing I have motivation to do is write and smack my head against the wall for being so stupid. This is pathetic. I shouldn’t feel like THIS…it’s only been 24-hours (well, about) but I’m freaking out…
How pathetic and sad. I don’t wanna lose you, but I can’t get myself to do anything to keep you. I’m nothing. I’m not worth anything, am I? Everyone should just disassociate themselves with me so I’ll sink into a deep enough depression that I’ll finally just off myself… It’d be better for everyone.
You know what’s so funny? I keep sabotaging myself and my friendships.
I’m a HUGE idiot. God. I’ve kept making stupid stupid mistakes and I’ve ended up pushing away all the people I care about. And I deserve it. If I would have realized that I was becoming this stupid fucking bitch I could have stopped it. If I wouldn’t have been such a stubborn fuck, I could have stopped it. But no. And now I’m sitting here feeling sorry for myself. I lost my best friend because of my idiocy and my laziness and it hurts. A lot. I knew something would happen in the end. I knew it. If I wouldn’t have kept thinking “Everyone I care about ends up leaving me” it might not have happened.
Now the only plans I had for myself are in shambles and I don’t have a reason to try anymore.
6 Billion people in the world.
6 Billion people who hate and feel anger; who love and feel joy; who cry and feel sorrow.
6 Billion people; and I chose to hate the one person on earth I need to learn to love.
6 Billion people and the only person I hate in it is myself.
Shit man. I’m stressed. I cut off alot of my hair. It’s uneven, but it looks good. I like it. My mom says it makes me look more mature. I agree. I like how long it makes my neck look.
But UGH. All the stress in my life built up last night and I broke. I broke over something really…really stupid. I wanted to get my MP3 player last night, my dad promised we would. It was silly to break over, but it happened anyway. I just…My sister asked me to get off the computer and I really needed my music. I really needed it. But I let her use it anyways (I can’t get my music without the computer; broken stereo, no headphones, no MP3 player, no batteries for my old walkman). And I broke.
I needed my music a lot. It’s something that’s really important to me, listening to music, making music. It makes me feel a lot more complete. And with all the stress in my life right now - my friends fighting, my schoolwork piling up on me, trying to be there for everyone all the time, being unsure about the future; about the future of my country (with Pres. Obama in power and all the deciscions he’s making.), about what I want to do with my life (what career to get, whether to get married someday etc. etc.) I really need something to distract me. Something to help me stop thinking so much. I admit that overthinking things is a big problem for me. I overthink everything. I can’t stop thinking most of the time - and about bad things, for the most part. I tend to think about problems I have or problems I might have. I think about scenarios, trying to talk to people and being turned down; things like that. It’s stupid. But anyway, I keep thinking about those things and that stresses me out too.
I need to find a way to deal with it. What I did last night is not the right way to deal with it.
Here’s what I did:
I got up, I wrote in my journal (not a bad thing), I took a bath (again, not a bad thing) then, I ran upstairs and started ranting to myself, I grabbed a pair of scissors, rushed to the bathroom and started hacking off my hair (not a good thing). I freaked out over it afterward a bit. I started crying and after that, I couldn’t stop crying. I started arguing with my dad, I was yelling at him. I was really mean about it. I ran back upstairs again, crying my fucking eyes out. I started to think about shit I don’t need to think about - self harm, that bullshit, all the while telling myself “Don’t think about that. Don’t, God damn it. You know that’s bad for you.” out loud, while pacing around upstairs, looking for a boxcutter (didn’t find it, thank GOODNESS).
Well, that’s definitely not a way to deal with my stress. Neither is considering stealing my mom’s perscription pills. I didn’t do that either. I know that’s wrong.
After I finished with my ranting and raving to myself, I popped onto the spare computer after everyone went to sleep and started chatting with friends, turned on some music and started singing along… I paused the music once or twice, said a prayer or two. And I felt a lot better. By about 7 AM (I started feeling like this at about..1, maybe 2 AM) I was pretty much blissful, singing Hey Jude, doing all the little vocalizations in it and everything and having trouble not laughing. It was great.
-sigh- I know what part of my problem is. I’m taking on all my friends’ problems - I’ve been there to help everyone, all the time. I’m always listening to what other people are going through, trying to help them. Kind of like I’m trying to save everyone, in a way? I keep trying to help people but I don’t look at what’s wrong with me. It’s making me feel like “I’m always there for everyone else but no one is there for ME!” It’s the dumb old teenager’s cliche, feeling like no one cares or no one understands but it’s the feeling I’m having lately.
Another part of it is like someone tore holes in me - in my heart, in my soul and then they tried to patch it back together with staples. Really, that’s just a metaphor for how I’ve been hurt in the past and I don’t think i’ve ever dealt with what’s REALLY making me feel so alone; I’ve just tried to fill up the holes with people with as many problems as I have (not saying I don’t love my friends. I love them more than ANYTHING.) and it’s not fixing the problem.
For awhile? It worked wonders. I felt so much better - I felt like I wasn’t alone anymore and now that high and euphoria is wearing away. I feel like the same old lonely girl I always was.
Additionally, I think I need to get out of the house. I plan to this afternoon. I want to do something. I just want to go outside, I will.
TL;DR ranting. Sorry for this. I need to destress (although writing this will increase my stress while I’m writing it, I will feel better later)
Gay jokes bother me. A lot. I’m not gay but they happen to really hurt my feelings. I don’t like it when other people make fun of someone because of things they can’t help, like who they fall in love with/are attracted to. Love is love and it’s a wonderful thing and a lot of people never find someone they care about and the people who do shouldn’t be made fun of or mistreated (or treated differently in any way) just because of who they happen to fall in love with. I don’t think that God would want that because I think God wants us all to find someone we love. Love is the greatest gift God gave us here on earth, isn’t it? (Not getting into eternal salvation because I’m not sure if I believe in that. It’s a moot point because that’s not on earth, any way)
I love my friend, I really do. But I can’t handle the fact that she hates everyone who’s gay because of what one person did. It’s not the fault of everyone. Just that one person who happened to be a fucking jerk. I understand that it’s easy to hate everyone of a given…erm..I guess sexuality? Well, it applies to ethnicities too. Because of what ONE person did.
I could hate all hispanic people because one hispanic boy sexually assaulted my mother. I could hate all hispanic people because the same happened to me (different kid) I could hate all men because of that, but I don’t. I don’t understand why hatred is such a big thing with some people. I don’t understand how someone can be blinded like that. I don’t understand at all.
How can you judge all people by one person’s actions? For that matter, how can you hate any group of people for anything? How do people hate gays just because of the fact that they’re attracted to the same sex? How can people hate blacks JUST BECAUSE they’re black? How can someone hate all Conservatives just because they’re conservative or hate all liberals just because they’re liberal? I…I don’t get it!
I don’t understand it at all. It drives me insane. I don’t know what to do about it because I can’t avoid hatred, even though it tears holes in my heart because it’s everywhere and in everyone.
I can’t leave my friend because I promised her I would never leave her alone, ever. That I’d always be there for her when she needs me. Even though her continued hate and continued joking bothers me. Fuck, she doesn’t even give me the same consideration that I try to give her. I keep getting hurt again and again and I can’t make it stop.
Am I just pathetic like this? I know why I’m like this. I spent such a long time without friends and such a long time feeling utterly alone that now I cling onto whatever friends I have, even if they’re not good friends. I hate making anyone upset and I keep sacrificing my own feelings for others, I keep breaking and chipping away at myself for everyone else. And what have I gained for this?
Pain. Pain and suffering.
I just want it all to stop. It makes me wish I never made any friends at all. God, it hurts so much less to be lonely than to have feelings hurt by someone you care about…It would have been better if I never met any of my friends…
No. No it wouldn’t because I’ve helped them. I’ve got friends who’ve told me that I’ve helped them be less depressed, made them feel better about themselves. I’ve gotten them through hardtimes. And that’s worth something, right?
And I know that most of them would stick by me if I was having trouble but right now, when my emotions are causing me a lot of pain, when I feel like sitting in a bathtub full of water and knocking a toaster into it, I feel alone. Not because no one is there for me, but because I can’t tell them that I’m hurting because I don’t want them to worry.
God, these are the people that keep me from thinking about offing myself. The people who, everytime the thought even enters my head keep me from thinking more about it. The people who I’m scared might hurt themselves if I was gone. I feel such a huge weight on my shoulders all the time now. I can’t escape because people depend on me now. They need me, maybe even more than I need them.
…ugh. my friend won’t leave me alone about my favorite Kingdom Hearts pairing and it’s getting on my nerves. Okay, I get it that she hates ZexKai but that doesn’t mean she can bitch at me for drawing it.
Had a photoshoot around my neighborhood this afternoon. It was very fun. Took about 82 photos. I kept finding interesting things to take pictures of! It’s made me feel a lot better, getting out of the house, even if it’s only for a little while.
(left to right: a chain link fence a few blocks down the railroad, a crossing light, the laundromat near my house, the laundromat again)
I don’t know why I find such an appeal in pictures like this, little snapshots of things that are in life but are usually just passed by without a second glance. It’s so attractive to me.
(left to right: an abandoned (?) building on the train tracks, the window of the building, a power outlet in the laundromat) And things that are decaying too, falling apart at the seams, moldy covered with mildew. It’s strange how these things are so often considered ugly yet…they have their own unique and beautiful charm, don’t they?
(left to right: conceptual - the stop sign at the corner near the laundromat, some puddles on the sidewalk, the crossing light again.)
These are most of the shots I ended up keeping. So many of them didn’t turn out quite right. I’m very happy with the overall out come though.
Hopefully, I ‘ll be able to take some pictures at the park on Saturday. I’m looking forward to a chance to take more pictures.
EDIT: It’s seeming a little better now! No need from the depressing stuff of earlier!
Anyway, on the bright side, has anyone noticed that Michelle Obama has the WORST fashion sense…ever? It’s ridiculous! She should get a better stylist. She’d look soooo much better in some nice indigo colors…Maybe a different hair cut would suit her better. I’m not a fashion expert though (I love colors that clash, actually) but I do think she could look better. She’s the First Lady for goodness sake! There’ve been one or two good outfits she’s worn but for the most part, they’re terrible. I really wish someone would help her out…just a little. LOL.
Um. There’s some other stuff, I’ve got an awesome little group on Tegaki-E for Kingdom Hearts fans and I’d LOVE some bookmarks and apps lol. Anyone who’s interested just go to: rEbIrTh
That show, Lie To Me is freaking awesome too. Caught Scrubs on Tuesday; all I gotta say is GO TED! Heh, if he can do it, I guess I can too.
Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve updated! I mean to actually update regularly from now on. I’m trying to get onto a release schedule for Sword of Heaven and hope to start getting pages of Devil’s Advocate out by April (I still have a LOT of planning and character design work to do!).
Our Roxas before setting off downtown.
My sisters and I recently went on a cosplaying trip (well, last month) to our mall and took some quick photos.It was actually a really nice trip other than the fact that really early on I ended up not being in the mood to cosplay and took off my wig. I ended up getting a compliment on my singing voice as my younger sister and I were singing together like dorks. It would be nice if I got the chance to go out and take cosplay photos more often, I really enjoy it. Although prep is a pain, especially with our Sora who has (or had) super-long hair. There’s some plans for a trip to our area park this weekend for some photos although I won’t be cosplaying as Zexion this trip, but instead as Xion. I’ll try to get photos up!
Here’s some photos from the trip when we first got our camera:
Zexion (myself) posing next to a carousel in the mall, not the most manly of situations...Nor entirely fitting. Let's blame Namine.
Sora trying to look cool at night, one of the few times the flash on the camera actually WORKED.
Sora and Zexion before setting out. It was actually kind of cold that day, but we're used to it now!
Umm…What else has happened lately? Well, I’ve gotten a tad bit more work done on Sword of Heaven, although I’m still woefully lacking in actual work. I’ve TRIED to start up several tegaki-e groups but they tend to die shortly. I’m currently working on a few stories, here’s an excerpt from “The White Room”
For my entire life, I’ve been sick. In and out of those stale hospital rooms with their dead air and white linens. For my entire life, I’ve hated them. Who on earth likes hospitals? How could anyone chose to be a doctor, knowing that they would work in a hospital. It baffles me. I hated them and I didn’t want to go to another. That’s what I told my mother as we drove down the long, desolate interstate highway that lead to the new hospital; White Rivers. I stared at the scenery flying past us, trees, rocks and grass meshed together into a grayish green blur broken by the drops of rain winding their down my window. The long road ahead was obscured by a thick fog which had descended on us sometime after passing through small town called “Earlham” . And that was almost two hours and 100 miles behind us.
“Mom, I don’t want to go.” I said, turning toward my mother. Her pale fingers were wrapped tightly around the steering wheel, her knuckles were white and her jaw was clenched. Her long wispy hair was falling into her face. She looked tired. She was tired. We had been driving since the night before.
“Emily, please.” She said, her voice cracking. “You have to, you know that. They’re going to make you better.”
I half-laughed. “Mom don’t lie to me.” I said, turning back to the window. “I don’t care about getting ‘better’ anymore. I just don’t.”
“You can’t mean that Emily.”
I didn’t answer, I just kept staring out the window; wallowing in the hopelessness I was feeling. I wondered if dad felt the same in the end. Dad and me, we suffered from the same thing. Some sort of rare genetic immune deficiency, something no one could fix. Not even the best doctors in the world could do much for me except give me antibiotics to stave off the never ending infections. Growing up worrying that the littlest scrape would get infected wasn’t much fun. Hardly went out to play with the other kids. So, I was understandably pale and skinny. Skinny mostly because I didn’t usually feel hungry. And when I did eat, I felt nauseous afterwards.
I had stick straight dark brown, almost black hair, I didn’t take much care of it either. I’d let it get oily and tangled and it would hang in my face…Until mother bitched at me enough to get me to wash it and brush it. I admit that if I took better care of myself, kept myself a little cleaner I wouldn’t be sick as often as I was. But it always felt a little bit useless, I was going to be sick anyway; why try not to be?
Add in my glasses and the fact that I was ridiculously short and it made it no wonder no guy ever talked to me. I didn’t care. I mean, what if I passed this on to my kids if I had any? I’d be damned if I passed this torture on to any potential offspring. So, even though no one looked my way twice, dating was out of the realm of possibilities anyway.
Also! Please enjoy some (silent) videos from the earlier cosplay trip. It seems the camera we got also films (but does not capture sound) being the dorks myself and my sisters are, we HAD to mess with it!
Cosplay Ice “skating”
Getting some gumballs (this was pure silliness)
A short forray into actually ACTING, although it’s more like a silent film due to our camera’s lack of ability to capture sound.
I still have a lot of work to do but in the meantime, enjoy this (exclusive!) preview of the upcoming Sword of Heaven page!
By and by, the night would grow
and outside winter winds would blow.
We would gather, round flickering flame,
listening to tales that have no name.
With eager eyes and young faces,
listening to stories of far off places
of villains weak and heroes bold,
and dragons that guard mountains of gold.
We sat there silent, in the night
until the coming of morning light.
Enrapted by kings just and fair
by maidens with starlight in their hair.
But years have passed, we have grown
long gone are the nights when the fires shone.
The children are adults - with a world of cares,
they have no time for fireside scares.
But on a day, long from now
when deeps eyes look from under snowy brow.
We will sit beside flickering flame
and tell our own tales, which have no name.
By and by, the night will grow
and outside winter winds will blow
children age and they will grow old
and look back on the days when they first heard told.
Tales of villains weak and heroes bold,
dragons who guard mountains of gold.
Tales of kings ruling just and fair
maidens with starlight in their hair.
They will sit, silent in the night
until the coming of morning light,
listening to an elder tale
until the dark sky becomes pale.
And in the watches of the night,
under moon and cool starlight
of far of places they will dream
and all will be well.
•A.N.N.A•
-is 17 years old
-is Female
-is Shy
-is Irish/Polish
-lacks confidence
-can't keep her mouth shut
-has an IQ of 170, but still acts like a moron
-can't ever get requests done
-thinks she's a guy deep down
-thinks ketchup goes with EVERYHING.
•A.B.O.U.T•
Anna is a 17-year-old Manga artist/writer/musician living in Wisconsin. She loves animals, politics(she's really just obsessed with them) helping people and eating. She can usually be found drawing, writing or talking with friends via MSN instant messenger. In life, Anna puts her art above everything and spends nearly all her time on it. Her pet-project is Sword of Heaven, an "epic" manga/webcomic. Her project in the works is Devil's Advocate.
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